Man vs. Feelings: The Biggest Mismatch in History

Sports Announcer 1: Hello everyone and welcome to the biggest mismatch in history...MAN vs FEELINGS.  
Sports Announcer 2: Thats right, Bob...this is the biggest mismatch and we are here to cover the battle's in's and out's tonight ladies and gentlemen.  In the past, MAN has always had a hard time facing FEELINGS in a match up like this.  
Sports Announcer 1: That is very true...the last match up like this ended up with FEELINGS chasing MAN around the ring until MAN got tired and FEELINGS laid the smack down on him.  
Sports Announcer 2: O yes...not a very good sight.  But, will the outcome be different tonight?
Sports Announcer 1: We'll see what happens.  so...MAN is on your right and FEELINGS is on your left...waiting for the bell...
*DING*  
Sports Announcer 2: And their off!  

Yes...as a guy, I'm not a big advocate for feelings.  I am not very connected with it, its scary and quite frankly, I have done a lot of running away from feelings.  In this day and age in this society, men who talk about emotions are seen as weak.  But what's interesting is there is a fear of dealing with feelings.  As guys we want to be seen as brave, but when it comes to feelings we want to ignore or hide or run away from it...so much for being brave.  Well, I am going to take the bull by the horns and discuss the biggest mismatch in history

More after the break...

Sactown (part i): Boring?

Sacramento...what to say about this place.  On the outside, it does not seem like it has much going for this city.  High crime rates, not too much to do, bad pro sport team, in the middle of no where, suburbia galore...Many young adults would ride off this place as boring.  In a sense, they are right.  It's boring...

I lived in a nice suburb area in Sacramento growing up.  The Sacramento River flowed less than a mile away...nice bike/jogging trails, parks, etc.  But, there's no excitement.  Besides the State Fair, big events in town comes once a blue moon.  On top of that, being a kid in the suburb, there's practically no reason to go into town anyways.  Everything one needs to survive is within a 5 mile radius.  Back then, Sac didnt really have too much going on in downtown either...on a nice summer evening, downtown was empty by 6PM...almost ghost town status.  Nothing really put Sacramento on the map besides a big white granite building that houses the state's government and the Sacramento Kings back in the early 2000s.  It felt like the place lacked identity.  As a result, boring has long been ingrained into my mind.  Not to mention, there are some personal issues that prevented me from liking Sacramento in the first place.  

Until now...

By all means...Sacramento is not SF, LA, NYC, Chicago or Seattle.  Its not what many consider as a famous or giant city...where everything happens.  Its subtle.  The city has it's problems as I mentioned earlier, but if you look hard enough, it has its gems.  

About a year ago, I started attending Acacia, a young adult group out of a church in Davis, CA.  I remembered the first Sac small group meeting I went to in midtown Sacramento.  I completely did not realize there were so many hipster-esque restaurants that were built up in the area around L street.  The street was busy...full of people.  Within a few blocks there were a variety of places to eat and hang out...and if you know me...I love to eat and hang out.  It was a far cry from what I grew up seeing, empty government buildings after 6PM.  A few months later, we began a small period of time where we started trying out restaurants all over the city.  

Another thing that I like to do is outdoor activities.  I went on my first legit mountain biking trail...also in Sacramento.  It was so much fun!  I got to try out a demo bike and felt the rush of adrenaline going through these trails.  Then tried out river rafting, kayaking and paddle boarding.  I picked up cycling...and love my usual rides down the American River Trail.  There were so many outdoor activities in the area, I dont know how in the world did I ever think Sacramento was a boring place.

In addition, I realized Sacramento has a lot of history and art.  Railroad Museum, Crocker Art Museum, Old Sacramento, 2nd Saturday Art Walk, Sutter Fort, Historic Folsom, etc.  Sacramento used to be the biggest railroad hub in the west coast.  It was also a central location during the gold rush where people traded in their gold.  Knowing so much about the impact of Sacramento in California and US history, helps me realize how amazing this city was back in the day.  As for art...I love art, but I don't know the slightest thing about it.  But, to explore galleries during 2nd Saturday Art Walks and Crocker Art museum really makes one appreciate the different artistic styles and movements in the area.

To make Sacramento even better, its central to everything...2 hours to the beach and 2 hours to the mountains.  As a person who loves the ocean and loves to snowboard...it's pretty nice.

Sure...Sac does not have giant music artists that comes into town every week, nor does it have a strong professional sports team that is always in playoff or going to championship games, but to call it boring...and nothing to do is quite a bit extreme.  I can think of so many more cities that are more boring.  I can go on and on regarding how much there is to do in Sac...but I think there is one important point with all this that I want to leave you with.  Activities are fun and interesting when people with common interest enjoy those things together.  You can be in the most exciting city in the world...but if you can't find someone who has a similar interest to enjoy the excitement with, that city would just be as boring.  Id say, find people that has similar interests and do those amazing activities together.

Anyways...even with all these awesome things to do...Sac is far from being ideal...as I will try to explain in the next Sactown part...For one...It still lacks identity.  

Spoiled Brat

I had a sudden conviction today in the morning.  I woke up being anxious, flustered, annoyed, and just plain overwhelmed due to a few personal circumstances.  Woke up on the wrong side of the bed you can say.  But as I woke up with these feelings, I quickly began to pray knowing what's bothering me can destroy the entire day.  As I began to run my errands, a thought came in my head, "You are such a spoiled brat."

When there is something wrong in my life, I pout and cry to God; if something that even remotely bothers me, I cry out to God; if I want something, I cry out to God; if I am greatly in pain I cry out to God...But when it comes down to serving God, there is always a condition.  It is as if I bargain with God to get out of my duties.  If things go well in my life, I praise God for all the great things that goes on an move on with my life.  Completely spoiled brat status.

My brattiness has been causing most of my anxiety and frustration.  When I want something to happen in my life very badly, I end up saying to myself, "I have to do (fill in the blank)."  A master plan is formulated as if my own master plan can fulfill my deep desires.  The reason why I pray/cry to God is in hopes that my plan would work and get what I want.  Because I put so much faith in what I want and my desires, anxiety is formed...knowing that God does not have to grant what I want and wish for.

This conviction has shown how broken and selfish I am.  An issue I do not know how to fix.  It is something that has hindered my faith and trust in the one and only True God.  I neglect the fact that I am his...that I am "not [my] own, [I was] bought at a price.  Therefore [I should] honor God with [my] body" (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). Ok...Im quoting this verse out of context a bit.  But it is true...If I am made for God, I should be honoring Him...not try to use God to fulfill my own agenda and whine to God when I dont get what I want.

Lord Jesus!  Forgive me for my lack of faith.  I pray that I would not be anxious, and not be a spoiled brat, but rather trust that whatever happens, going with my plans and desires or not, that You know what is best for me.  You know it better than I know myself.  I cannot change with purely my own will power...but only the Holy Spirit can change this hardened heart of mine.  Let your Spirit be present now and heal this wicked part of my heart.  I am Yours.  

I'll Be Right Beside You

I was listening to the radio one day and this song came up.

I have to admit...I was first attracted to the music.  It was very catchy!  I attempted to look it up on YouTube and this is what came up.  As a person who is very "relational", I found this song extremely touching.
On a semi-different note, I really like how Dawn Michele from Fireflight sang with Building 429 in this song.  The duet really gave the song the feel that a couple is supporting each other in their relationship that's under God.  I have heard of many songs that is a love song to God, but rarely have I heard a Christian love song to a significant other.

Anyways.  Lyrics of the song after the break.

New Member (part ii): Alfie

Recently,  Ive been thinking about moving into my own place by the end of this year.  Since my house is so empty, I have been pretty active in thinking about getting a dog as a companion in the house.

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine was going on a trip for the day and needed some assistance to watch over his dog, Alfie, for the day.  Realizing its a good opportunity to help a friend out and also re-sharpen my dog owning skills, I decided to help out.

That Saturday morning, I picked Alfie, and headed home.  I did not know what to expect.  Alfie is an inside dog.  My previous dog was an outside dog and 3 times Alfie's size.  It was almost as if being a first time dog owner all over again.  Needless to say, I was a little nervous...but really excited to get started.

The first thing that came to my mind when I picked up Alfie is, "how am I going to get him to not hijack the car when Im driving?"  But even though he's so high energy, Alfie is also very well trained.  In the car, he would cutely (learning to say this word publicly with less shame) sit on the front center armrest.  He didnt even attempt to crawl in my lap, or even try to take over the steering wheel.  thank goodness!

When I got home, I played fetch with Alfie in the backyard for a while.  Because Alfie loves his tennis balls so much, he tries to hoard as much many of them as possible.  What's cute about this is his mouth is only so big...but he wants ALL the tennis balls that's available to him.  So, if you gave him two tennis balls he will try to hold both in his mouth at the same time...without any success.  Then when you approach and try to grab one of the tennis ball, he would frantically try to decide which one to grab.

The hardest thing after playing fetch was getting Alfie back into the house.  I probably spent 30 minutes just to get him inside.  Alfie is so smart!  He can read my mind (scary thought) and just know that I want him to go inside.  Also, if I try to trick him into going inside and failed...he would not fall for the same thing twice.  Except one...I ended up using his Achille's heel...the tennis ball.  I threw the ball into house and he ran straight inside.  hehe.  That never failed.  muahahaha...I know I can be evil.  :P

Throughout the day, I was at home, studying, and Alfie would find ways to keep himself entertained.  Playing with his giant lobster, or just taking a nice nap.  Other times he would stare out the glass sliding door...really hoping he can play outside.

Sometimes I really wish I can just be a dog...being able to sit at home, lie down and just sleep... or maybe just running around an open field, playing fetch.

For the most part, everything went well.  I really enjoyed my time taking care of Alfie.  In some ways, he made me miss my family dog who passed away 3 years ago.

Old video of my previous dog chewing on a bone.  *recollecting myself*  

That weekend was so awesome.  I had a greater urge to get a dog...as a matter a fact, I have visited Sac County pound, Sac City pound and the SPCA the past 4 weeks.  But, taking care of Alfie brought to my attention a few issue about dog-ownership I never really thought of too much.  How long did my friends train Alfie to get him to be so obedient...Im sure a lot more than just a few days.  Possible separation anxiety can occur if I own a dog...how do you address that?  How do you house train a dog...I mean I dont want my house to be poopville.  Where should the dog be when I am out of the house...8 hours a day...I mean I cant bring him with me to work.  What about all the dog hair during shedding season?  Would my dog end up chewing everything?  How am I gonna give him a shower/bath?  Alfie did not have any of these issues when I was taking care of him...but the fact that a dog was actually in my house, made me think of these things.  Making me realize I have a lot to work out.  Since a lot of the breeds Im looking at has medium to high energy and at least 3 times bigger than Alfie, it made me really come down to reality regarding owning a dog.

Now...the big question...am I ready for that?  I think I am...but what I think is still a little ways off from reality.  There are a lot of unanswered questions and still a lot to think about and iron out before I can truly pull the trigger.  But we will see what happens...who knows...maybe my next New Member post might be about my new best friend.  ;)

Thanks George and Lisa for giving me the privilege of taking care of Alfie!  :)

Setting your heart FREE!

During my last year in college, God had given me a small taste of what it means to have joy.  I did not fully experience it, but I realized, I dont have to be happy to be full of...

But if you know me...I worry...A LOT.  So after graduation, the taste of joy was shattered by worry...caused by uncertainty, frustration, and pain.  I would go through day by day, being happy, smiling and being polite to people.  But if you pulled me aside, and ask how I was really doing, you would know I had some major problems.  I longed to have the taste of joy that God was beginning to show me.  As a result, one of my biggest prayers and desires was for God to help me experience joy.

Now, three years later, I think God had answered my prayers.  I have learned to be at peace and content with where I am at in my life (for the most part).  This does not mean I dont want things to change.  I mean I still want to know what does God have planned for my career, what my purpose is, if I am ever going to somehow find that special someone.  But...for the most part...I just feel content and ok with whatever is set on my path.  I realized three years isnt exactly a short journey.  But there are many lessons that I have learned to come to this point...and much more lessons to come.  Here are some of the things that I found out about joy.

*  *  *

In my book, happiness and joy are pretty different.  I realized I can be happy without having joy or have joy without being happy.  

To further understand what I am saying, let's look at happiness first.  Happiness is temporary, and surface level.  For example, if you look at some drug commercial on TV (or almost any commercial)  and you see people playing with their kids and their dog or hugging their husband/wife with a big smile on their face (the American Dream)...that is a good picture of happiness.  But, let's pause on that happy scene. *press pause button*  Let's look at the things that might be burdening the hearts of these people...they might be worried about losing their job or home, might be going through a hard break up with a significant other, mourning a death of a family member, or some other significant event that might cause one to struggle within the heart.  The picture shows people having a good time and being happy.  But, happiness does not always reflect on the condition of the heart.  

So what about joy...Joy is on a deeper level.  It's a sense of peace, contentment, and being unburdened in your heart.  The best way I can describe it is true freedom.  Day to day, when we begin to worry about things that goes on in our lives (how am I going to pump out this project by next week, what am I doing with my life, what does he/she think of me, am I going to pass this class, etc.), we become enslaved by those repeating thoughts (aKa: worry).  It's like worry is taking us hostage.  Your mind might end up replaying different scenarios to solve a problem, or just not sure how you can accomplish the seemingly impossible task.  As a result, your heart is burdened and the deep sense of peace, contentment and joy can not be achieved.  This is the reason why you can be happy when you do things you enjoy, but be enslaved by your worries...causing you to lack joy.  

To be free from being enslaved by worry, our hearts need to let go of the worries...in other words, stop worrying.  This is where Christ comes in.  If we can truly trust that God is in control and He knows what is best for us, worry is useless to us.  If what will happen is going to happen, worrying will not change the outcome.  So I try my best to live by this...do your best, work your hardest, and God will take care of the rest.  Anyways...I ran across this quote the other day that really does a good job illustrating my point:

"I define joy as a sustained state of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters."  

~Oprah Winfrey

So go and set your heart free!  May it no longer be a slave or hostage to your worries.  (yea...I know...easier said than done.)

Transitions (part iii): Crossing the Desert

3. Crossing the Desert

"So, how was this week for you?" my discipler asked me.  "I feel very lonely," I replied.  "Why is that?  Aren't you attending the post-college fellowship and serving in the college ministry?" "Yeah...but the post college fellowship is going to disband soon, and I don't think the college students understand what I am going through...I don't blame them...its complex," I said.  Since coming back to Sacramento, meetings with my discipler from my home church had been the biggest breath of fresh air.  He had really stuck with me, listening and guiding me through my frustration, and giving me solid Biblical advice.  "Well, what's on your mind?" He asked.  "I feel like nothing exciting has really happened since I cam back," I said, "Sac is so boring (More on this in a later post).  I know God wants me to be here, but why?  Life is so monotonous."  "Well," he began, "you are in leadership for college ministry right?  You are impacting their lives.  That should be exciting."

I began to reflect upon the college ministry the past couple of years.  When I first came back, the leadership was non-existent and not very many people showed up.  At the time, I felt a big urge to help out and serve, but I knew I did not have a big young adult community to fuel me up while doing this ministry.  It would be very hard to go through an already rough transition and serve in a ministry.  So, I decided to look for other fellowships in hope of finding a community that was much needed for me.  But as more and more doors closed for fellowships, I realized God had given me the passion to serve at my home church.  As a result, I bit the bullet and started serving in the college ministry even though I felt like I was about to cross a vast desert with only half a bottle of water.  I remember struggling to keep my faith healthy while trying to help other people's faith.



Regardless how I felt, God began to work immediately with the college group when I decided to start serving.  Within six months, the numbers jumped from six people to ten people.  A fellowship leader was nominated and Bible studies became more structured.  In a year's time, God had done amazing things with the college fellowship.  He had relit the fire within the group, increased the attendance, and brought in a new student leadership.  Once I missed a meeting and asked a leader, "How many people showed up?" and he answered, "Not very many...about 12."  It really showed how much God had grown the group.  In addition, I thought I would burn out helping the college ministry, but God provided relief and rest from my home church's post college fellowship and a discipler who had agreed to help me through the year.

I began to realize my life was a lot fuller than I thought it was.  "Wow, I never realized how much God had done!"  I said.  It had been pretty exciting.  I never realized there was much change in the people around me.    "It is very amazing when we do think back on what God had done in our lives," my discipler replied.

As we closed in prayer, I began to realize what I want clouded over the great things that has been happening over the past two years.  I wanted to stay in the Bay; I wanted to be part of a big young adult community; I wanted everything to just work out.  But I missed all the great things that God did do; providing development in the college ministry; providing the leaders with ideas and consolidated them into reality; and even during the times that I felt like I was getting burned out and that I need community, God provided me rest and support through the post college fellowship and my discipler.  God had everything in control all along.  See, I might have been crossing a vast desert with only half a bottle of water, chasing after the mirage of a big giant lake.  But all along God had lead me to many different small oasis, providing me just enough to continue and get across that desert.  

New Member (part i): The Catten?

For some of you who know me, I am a big dog person.  There's something about their energy, their intelligence, their great desire to please you and wanting to be your friend just makes me love dogs.  Cats on the other hand...not the biggest fan.  Now, before all you cat lovers begin to stone me, I have my reasons...I actually got scratched by one when I was little and forever scarred me from cats...until now.  

Today, I went out on a small solitary walk along the canal by my house.  It's my usual route I take to just cool down, reflect, enjoy nature, etc. without actually wasting gas and drive out somewhere.  I see a lot of animals on this trail...beavers, birds of many kind, dogs, cats, toads, bullfrogs, etc.  well...today, I saw a cat/kitten (looked small but it looks mature enough to be a cat...so....catten?).  Ive seen many cats/kittens but this is the first one that has ever approached me.  Cats are usually frightened by my presence.  So this was really sweet.  I began to pet it and stroke it's soft fur, pulling out the thorn thistles that was caught in it, and even picked her up to hold her.  It was very tame and cute (did I just typed that word on a public blog? O.O).    Well...when I had her on my lap, a cyclist zipped by and startled her.  She engaged ALL of her 18 razor sharp claws in my leg.  *OUCH* Luckily she didnt draw blood, but it didnt matter...my heart melted for this catten and really just tore down what I thought of cats.  If she wasn't cute enough (A lot of manliness to reclaim after this post) she began to follow me on my way home!  I was so tempted to take her home with me...even after experiencing her sharp claws.  Then reality hit me...she probably has a home already...that might be the reason why shes so well socialized, and also Im thinking about having a new member in my house some time soon.  As a result, I sped up my pace and left her behind...looking back periodically to ensure she was ok and no longer behind me.  So yea...I guess cats aren't as bad as I thought...I guess it depends on the cat.  But I still think dogs are cooler.  :P  But...hmm...I have a lot to think about in the upcoming months. :)

*Excuse me while I go try to reestablish my manliness.*

Transitions (part ii): The Cross in the Sky

Before I continue with the story, I want to let you know that names have been changed to protect the identity of the people and also the places I am talking about...And now...back to our featured presentation.  :)

2. The Cross in the Sky
"Why did God bring me back of Sac?" I wondered to myself.  The red stoplight glowed in front of me as I came to a stop.  It was another deep thought while driving moment.  "Its been a few months since I bumped into that pastor in the deli.  During that time, I have accepted that my life is going to be in Sacramento, for now.  My depression has gotten better.  I have a pretty good job, I feel more at peace...but why did God bring me back here in the first place," I thought to myself.  *HOOONK* "Oh! The light is green," as I drove off the line to relieve the frustrated drivers behind me.

I pulled into the parking lot and head towards the supermarket.  Just then, I heard some thumping coming out of a black souped up rice rocket coming down the lot...and the driver...he looked...familiar.  Suddenly, a sense of rage and anger boiled through my bones.  Jimmy Wong, still dress like a thug even five years after high school.  Made no sense to me why anyone wanted to be like a thug when they live in the most sheltered part of town.  Once back in high school, Jimmy pushed me into the wall intentionally during passing period.  A series of insults broke out between us and a fight almost followed.  The only thing that prevented it was I, being a goody two shoes, was never late for class and I did not want an idiot like him to ruin my spotless record.  "Maybe I should have took a swing at that thug wannabe...see how tough he really thinks he is," I thought to myself.

For the rest of the day, my entire past all became clear as day.  All the rumors, humiliation, marginalization and loneliness came back to me.   Weirdly, every single one of these events happened at Havenfield, the neighborhood that I grew up in.  I did not have this problem with places or people outside of Havenfield: middle school, Davis basketball camp, and college. I began to realize, I was misjudging Sacramento for the horrible experiences in Havenfield.

That night, the raw emotions came back to me.  I did not know how to deal with it.  A lot of the past hurts I have been running away from was never properly healed and dealt with.  I walked outside again to the driveway to really focus my mind again on God, but during my prayer, I began to rant about all the things I had to bear.

I had a strong desire to fit in with everyone else.  But I was never seen as part of any crowd.  I was teased, bullied and left out.  Many rumors started about me, and insults never seemed to end.  I never knew what made people treat me that way.  I still tried to fit in with everyone else which lead me to materialism, using "colorful" language and arrogance.  I had a double life where in front of my peers, I tried to act hard, but in front of my parents, teachers and family friends, I was the sweetest child.  I did things I was not proud of just for the sake of fitting in.   The thought of the past made me even more angry.  "Why didn't you stand up for your self?!" I scolded myself.

Just then, a happier thought came to mind.  I began to recall that by God's grace, He lead me to church in the midst of my social fallout and showed me that He cares about me even when no one else did.  By God's grace, my sophomore year in high school became the biggest turn around in my life; I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I began to attend a local church and turned from being a marginalized person to a person where God put people in my life who cared about me.  More importantly, He showed me the God of this universe cared about me.

"You were and still are messed up and God forgave you and has given you new life...but what about the people who wronged you?  They messed up...can you forgive them, just like I forgave you?" God said to me.  I went into deep thought.  Ever fiber of my being wanted justice and revenge.  "I don't know...I just don't know.  It's too painful."

I looked up into the sky and stared up at the stars.  At that moment, I made out the shape of a cross (apparently its part of constellation, Cygnus).


The more I look at it, the more I began to reflect on what Jesus had done to bear the greatest transgression of all...sin.  On the cosmic, Spiritual and physical level, sin screwed everything up, but God loved man so much he sent His one and only Son to die on the Cross, just to save us from the rightful punishment of eternal death.  He forgave us for what hurt and wrong we have done to Him.  As I reflected on the Cross day after day, I realized the wrong that others done to me is nothing compared to the sins that I have committed that hurt the creator of this universe.  Although I will always remember the hurt, the pain and the humiliation, forgiveness comes with a decision to give it up to God, to no longer hold the wrongs against my perpetrators.

I looked up at the Cross in the sky one more time and started praying.  "It's been years since all this happened, God.  I want this burden to now be at your feet.  I have done so much greater wrongs to you than what they have done to me.  Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me."

Transitions (part i): One Way Street

Intro

The other day, I thought about how what has changed in my life in the past three years.  I can truly say God has really brought me to a place of peace, forgiveness and appreciation after a hard transition from college.  I know today, many people I know are in transition: looking for a new job, first year in the real world, finding one's passion/career/joy, etc.  Although I still have many things going on in my life and the story continues, my transition out of college was extremely difficult but perhaps one of the most amazing experiences in my life.  I hope my story will encourage whoever is in their transition phases of life.  

1. One Way Street

As I began to look through all the jobs and graduate school emails, a sinking feeling began to come to me.  Of all the jobs and graduate schools I have applied for, only two Sacramento firms and Sacramento State University returned an acceptance letter.  "I cant believe this is happening," I thought to myself, "I don't want to go back!  Maybe God made a mistake; He can't expect me to relive all the things I went through in that place."   In my past four years in college, I have done as much as I can to bury my past and move on.  Moving back would mean I have to unearth back up all the bad memories that outweighed the good, the 12 years of rumors, condescending remarks and  marginalization by my peers, and the loneliness I had to bare.  Needless to say, many moments in Sacramento felt like a living hell.  The only fresh air is my supportive and loving family, and home church that I came to know Christ at.    

"God, please open another door...I don't want to go back!" I begged.  Each day, I frantically scrolled through my emails hoping that a firm outside of Sac would send me an offer letter, but no such luck.  As graduation got closer, I became more and more depressed, fearing what I have to face.  

*   *   *

The moment I walked into the front door, my depression worsened.  "I'm home," I thought to myself with a painful sigh.  As I began to unpack, random experiences about the fun and excitement of college came to my mind and began to fade into a distant memory.  Then the Sac bred painful memories took over. As I began to think about these things, I can feel a tear try to escape the grip of my eyelids.  Just then, my parents walked by my room.  Seeing my anguish, they came in to check up on me and gave me a hug, as the first tear slipped through my eyelash and many more to follow. 

That night, I walked outside and lied down on the driveway and stared at the stars.  "God, why are you doing this to me?  Get me out of here!"  I tried to calm my heart and seek peace in His presence.  I tried to recall Philippians 4:4-7 and recited it, but my emotions seem to overpower the little peace that it tried to provide me.  Part of me was angry at God for bringing me back to Sacramento. 

Night after night, I went outside to seek peace and pleading with God that He would change His mind about me staying in Sacramento.  Months passed but nothing changed and my depression got worse.  One night, it then occurred to me, God has spoken, He is not going to provide me another opportunity elsewhere.  From here on out, it's a one way street.  I looked up into the sky again and began to pray, "God, looks like this is a one way street.  Ive been praying for change for a while now and it looks like it's not happening, at least help me find peace," I negotiated.  

That Saturday, as the first light seeped through the blinds, I woke up feel restless.  I wanted to go somewhere, but I had no options.  It was wet and rainy outside, but I had the urge to be adventurous.  I hopped in my car and began to drive.  As I sped down the freeway, random thoughts began to go through my mind.  There was a mixture of nostalgia, anger and sadness.  After about half an hour later, I got hungry and stopped at a nearby deli to get lunch.  The line was very long, but I was too deep in thought to care. 

As I got my sandwich, I looked around the restaurant for a place to sit.  After making two rounds through the packed restaurant, I realized all the tables were taken.  I made my way to the lounge area and finally found a seat at one of the big cushion chairs.  I set my sandwich down at the coffee table, sat down and prayed for the food and got ready to dig in. 

"Nice sweatshirt," the man a chair over commented on my Intervarsity Christian Fellowship sweatshirt.  "Thank you.  Were you in Intervarsity?" I said trying to create a conversation.  "No, but I am a pastor to a church around here. Are you a student?" he asked.  "No I graduated from Cal this past May.  Im working at a small engineering firm in Sacramento now," I replied.  

"Congratulations.  How do you like the real world?"  I didn't know how to answer this, on one hand, I wanted to hide all my problems, but on the other hand I desperately needed help.  "It's...a rough transition," I replied.  At that moment, the pastor began to ask me questions and really helped me process the chain of events.  "I know this sounds cliche, but God is with you.  He has put you through this hard time for a reason.  Heres my card, email me if you need anything," he said.  A sense of relief and peace came over me.  We shook hands and went our separate ways.

On my way home, I began to think about all that has happened.  I realized God had answered a couple of prayers: No, I am not moving out of Sac (yet?), but yes, God can provide me peace.  He is with me, and is asking me to trust Him.  Even though I am going down a one way street, I can still pull over to ask Him for directions, for He knows where I'm suppose to go.

Samsung copied Apple? hmm...I guess Mercedes copied BMW too then...

Recently Apple began to sue Samsung (again) for the Galaxy SIII and the Galaxy Note.  These devices look nothing like the iPhone.  I am so sick of these lawsuits.  Sure, people can accuse me of being a fAndroid, but honestly speaking, I'm not as against Apple products as many people think I am.  I believe that power goes to the consumer in deciding what device to buy and own.  Hence certain idea borrowing is healthy for the sake of competition.  So if you want an iPhone and you think its better than an Android (or vice versa), more power to you.  

Now, I believe that Apple's lawsuits are stemmed from anti-competition beliefs and want monpoly in the smartphone bsuiness.  I dont think any of the Apple patent lawsuits in court right now make any sense and that all, if not most, should be thrown out and patent laws should be changed.  (If more people want more on this, let me know, I can write more later.)  I know it's not the perfect example, but since I love cars, I think this will get to my point on why I think all these Apple patent lawsuit claims are ridiculous and why they should stop.  Can you imagine if BMW began to sue Mercedes for these things (or vice versa)?  

Mercedes Benz Copies BMW

1. BMW was the first to put the navigation screen above the air vents at "eye-level" in 2002.  Mercedes saw the idea and started their development on the technology and released it starting in their 2007 model.  Also, BMW had the iDrive first.  COMAND in Mercedes copied the rotating wheel and a top down list menus in the system interface.  

2. BMW stategically placed their horns buttonless and on the sides of the steering wheel.  Mercedes did the same exact thing.

3. Round steering wheel...completely identical...

4. BMW was the first to develop leather seats.  Mercedes copied BMW...event the pattern of the leather stitching as identical....is there anything that they dont copy?!

5. BMW put wood trip across the entire middle part of dash in 2002, Mercedes copied the idea in 2007.

6. BMW thought very carefully on making the driver experience the center of their vehicles...so they made vents in the center, below the screen in 2002.  Mercedes used to have the vents above the screen, making the driver experience absolutely horrible, so on 2007 remodel, they copied BMW.

1. Sporty curved roof lines are part of BMW racing heritage.  Mercedes just copied that.
2. 4 wheels with rear wheel drive.  BMW has had that pedigree through their long racing heritage.  Mercedes stole that idea.
3. In 1994, BMW started using a keyless entry system.  Mercedes saw the success of that and implemented it in 1995.
4. Window divider so window can go all the way down in passenger seat.  It goes down vertically in the Merc, just like the one on the BMW.
5. Chrome trim...completely identical.
7. Sharkfin antenna on the room was first put on the BMW 7 series in 2001.  Mercedes ended up copying that idea
8. Having a trunk in the back.  BMW idea...Mercedes copied.
9. Gas fill tank on the right side of car...Mercedes copied that too.
10. BMW premier their V12 engine for the 7 series in 1987.  Seeing BMW doing this, Mercedes copied that idea and developed a V12 engine released on their flagship S class in 1991.

Be Somebody

I love it when songs are catchy and thought provoking.  I generally feel like Thousand Foot Krutch songs are a little too hard rock for my taste at times...but this song really got my attention when I first heard it on the radio.  Hope you all enjoy it!  :)  Let me know what you think it means.

Thousand Foot Krutch - Be Somebody

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again, so many times
I’m just a speck inside your head, you came and made me who I am
I remember where it all began, so clearly

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you created me, something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you and me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far

And we’re all see through, just like glass
And we can shatter just as fast
That light’s been burned out for a while, I still see it every time I pass
It was lost in the coldness of my mind, behind a box of reasons why
I never doubted it was there, just took a little time to find
And even when...

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you created me, something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe I hope that they see you and me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far
We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again, so many times
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you and me

Blog Rebirth: Living on the Edge

I stopped posting for the past two years.  To be honest, I realized my thoughts and my feelings two years ago was constantly negative and emo...lack of hope and purpose.  I had an attitude of "Why is the world against me?".  As a result, my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ is the only way I can escape from the pain I went through two years ago.  The old title "Dying to Live" meant to give up everything in my life to my Lord Jesus Christ, "Dying" to my self, in order to find peace, love, purpose, and life, "to Live".  To me that was the only way to escape from my pain.

Recently, I began to look back..."What has changed for the past 2-3 years?"  I realized that God has really brought me a lot of hope in my life.  He has brought me joy, peace and a completely different mindset.  Because of this change, and my recent decision of reviving my blog, I changed the title.  My new title "Living on the Edge" is in a way a new way of thought for me.  It is no longer an attitude of "why is the world against me?", but rather "How can my challenges, hardships, views, faith, etc. change and inspire the world around me?"  My hope is my posts can bring discussion, encouragement and a challenge of "Living on the Edge".