2. The Cross in the Sky
"Why did God bring me back of Sac?" I wondered to myself. The red stoplight glowed in front of me as I came to a stop. It was another deep thought while driving moment. "Its been a few months since I bumped into that pastor in the deli. During that time, I have accepted that my life is going to be in Sacramento, for now. My depression has gotten better. I have a pretty good job, I feel more at peace...but why did God bring me back here in the first place," I thought to myself. *HOOONK* "Oh! The light is green," as I drove off the line to relieve the frustrated drivers behind me.
I pulled into the parking lot and head towards the supermarket. Just then, I heard some thumping coming out of a black souped up rice rocket coming down the lot...and the driver...he looked...familiar. Suddenly, a sense of rage and anger boiled through my bones. Jimmy Wong, still dress like a thug even five years after high school. Made no sense to me why anyone wanted to be like a thug when they live in the most sheltered part of town. Once back in high school, Jimmy pushed me into the wall intentionally during passing period. A series of insults broke out between us and a fight almost followed. The only thing that prevented it was I, being a goody two shoes, was never late for class and I did not want an idiot like him to ruin my spotless record. "Maybe I should have took a swing at that thug wannabe...see how tough he really thinks he is," I thought to myself.
For the rest of the day, my entire past all became clear as day. All the rumors, humiliation, marginalization and loneliness came back to me. Weirdly, every single one of these events happened at Havenfield, the neighborhood that I grew up in. I did not have this problem with places or people outside of Havenfield: middle school, Davis basketball camp, and college. I began to realize, I was misjudging Sacramento for the horrible experiences in Havenfield.
That night, the raw emotions came back to me. I did not know how to deal with it. A lot of the past hurts I have been running away from was never properly healed and dealt with. I walked outside again to the driveway to really focus my mind again on God, but during my prayer, I began to rant about all the things I had to bear.
I had a strong desire to fit in with everyone else. But I was never seen as part of any crowd. I was teased, bullied and left out. Many rumors started about me, and insults never seemed to end. I never knew what made people treat me that way. I still tried to fit in with everyone else which lead me to materialism, using "colorful" language and arrogance. I had a double life where in front of my peers, I tried to act hard, but in front of my parents, teachers and family friends, I was the sweetest child. I did things I was not proud of just for the sake of fitting in. The thought of the past made me even more angry. "Why didn't you stand up for your self?!" I scolded myself.
Just then, a happier thought came to mind. I began to recall that by God's grace, He lead me to church in the midst of my social fallout and showed me that He cares about me even when no one else did. By God's grace, my sophomore year in high school became the biggest turn around in my life; I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. I began to attend a local church and turned from being a marginalized person to a person where God put people in my life who cared about me. More importantly, He showed me the God of this universe cared about me.
"You were and still are messed up and God forgave you and has given you new life...but what about the people who wronged you? They messed up...can you forgive them, just like I forgave you?" God said to me. I went into deep thought. Ever fiber of my being wanted justice and revenge. "I don't know...I just don't know. It's too painful."
I looked up into the sky and stared up at the stars. At that moment, I made out the shape of a cross (apparently its part of constellation, Cygnus).
The more I look at it, the more I began to reflect on what Jesus had done to bear the greatest transgression of all...sin. On the cosmic, Spiritual and physical level, sin screwed everything up, but God loved man so much he sent His one and only Son to die on the Cross, just to save us from the rightful punishment of eternal death. He forgave us for what hurt and wrong we have done to Him. As I reflected on the Cross day after day, I realized the wrong that others done to me is nothing compared to the sins that I have committed that hurt the creator of this universe. Although I will always remember the hurt, the pain and the humiliation, forgiveness comes with a decision to give it up to God, to no longer hold the wrongs against my perpetrators.
I looked up at the Cross in the sky one more time and started praying. "It's been years since all this happened, God. I want this burden to now be at your feet. I have done so much greater wrongs to you than what they have done to me. Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me."
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