Transitions (part i): One Way Street

Intro

The other day, I thought about how what has changed in my life in the past three years.  I can truly say God has really brought me to a place of peace, forgiveness and appreciation after a hard transition from college.  I know today, many people I know are in transition: looking for a new job, first year in the real world, finding one's passion/career/joy, etc.  Although I still have many things going on in my life and the story continues, my transition out of college was extremely difficult but perhaps one of the most amazing experiences in my life.  I hope my story will encourage whoever is in their transition phases of life.  

1. One Way Street

As I began to look through all the jobs and graduate school emails, a sinking feeling began to come to me.  Of all the jobs and graduate schools I have applied for, only two Sacramento firms and Sacramento State University returned an acceptance letter.  "I cant believe this is happening," I thought to myself, "I don't want to go back!  Maybe God made a mistake; He can't expect me to relive all the things I went through in that place."   In my past four years in college, I have done as much as I can to bury my past and move on.  Moving back would mean I have to unearth back up all the bad memories that outweighed the good, the 12 years of rumors, condescending remarks and  marginalization by my peers, and the loneliness I had to bare.  Needless to say, many moments in Sacramento felt like a living hell.  The only fresh air is my supportive and loving family, and home church that I came to know Christ at.    

"God, please open another door...I don't want to go back!" I begged.  Each day, I frantically scrolled through my emails hoping that a firm outside of Sac would send me an offer letter, but no such luck.  As graduation got closer, I became more and more depressed, fearing what I have to face.  

*   *   *

The moment I walked into the front door, my depression worsened.  "I'm home," I thought to myself with a painful sigh.  As I began to unpack, random experiences about the fun and excitement of college came to my mind and began to fade into a distant memory.  Then the Sac bred painful memories took over. As I began to think about these things, I can feel a tear try to escape the grip of my eyelids.  Just then, my parents walked by my room.  Seeing my anguish, they came in to check up on me and gave me a hug, as the first tear slipped through my eyelash and many more to follow. 

That night, I walked outside and lied down on the driveway and stared at the stars.  "God, why are you doing this to me?  Get me out of here!"  I tried to calm my heart and seek peace in His presence.  I tried to recall Philippians 4:4-7 and recited it, but my emotions seem to overpower the little peace that it tried to provide me.  Part of me was angry at God for bringing me back to Sacramento. 

Night after night, I went outside to seek peace and pleading with God that He would change His mind about me staying in Sacramento.  Months passed but nothing changed and my depression got worse.  One night, it then occurred to me, God has spoken, He is not going to provide me another opportunity elsewhere.  From here on out, it's a one way street.  I looked up into the sky again and began to pray, "God, looks like this is a one way street.  Ive been praying for change for a while now and it looks like it's not happening, at least help me find peace," I negotiated.  

That Saturday, as the first light seeped through the blinds, I woke up feel restless.  I wanted to go somewhere, but I had no options.  It was wet and rainy outside, but I had the urge to be adventurous.  I hopped in my car and began to drive.  As I sped down the freeway, random thoughts began to go through my mind.  There was a mixture of nostalgia, anger and sadness.  After about half an hour later, I got hungry and stopped at a nearby deli to get lunch.  The line was very long, but I was too deep in thought to care. 

As I got my sandwich, I looked around the restaurant for a place to sit.  After making two rounds through the packed restaurant, I realized all the tables were taken.  I made my way to the lounge area and finally found a seat at one of the big cushion chairs.  I set my sandwich down at the coffee table, sat down and prayed for the food and got ready to dig in. 

"Nice sweatshirt," the man a chair over commented on my Intervarsity Christian Fellowship sweatshirt.  "Thank you.  Were you in Intervarsity?" I said trying to create a conversation.  "No, but I am a pastor to a church around here. Are you a student?" he asked.  "No I graduated from Cal this past May.  Im working at a small engineering firm in Sacramento now," I replied.  

"Congratulations.  How do you like the real world?"  I didn't know how to answer this, on one hand, I wanted to hide all my problems, but on the other hand I desperately needed help.  "It's...a rough transition," I replied.  At that moment, the pastor began to ask me questions and really helped me process the chain of events.  "I know this sounds cliche, but God is with you.  He has put you through this hard time for a reason.  Heres my card, email me if you need anything," he said.  A sense of relief and peace came over me.  We shook hands and went our separate ways.

On my way home, I began to think about all that has happened.  I realized God had answered a couple of prayers: No, I am not moving out of Sac (yet?), but yes, God can provide me peace.  He is with me, and is asking me to trust Him.  Even though I am going down a one way street, I can still pull over to ask Him for directions, for He knows where I'm suppose to go.