Transitions (part iii): Crossing the Desert

3. Crossing the Desert

"So, how was this week for you?" my discipler asked me.  "I feel very lonely," I replied.  "Why is that?  Aren't you attending the post-college fellowship and serving in the college ministry?" "Yeah...but the post college fellowship is going to disband soon, and I don't think the college students understand what I am going through...I don't blame them...its complex," I said.  Since coming back to Sacramento, meetings with my discipler from my home church had been the biggest breath of fresh air.  He had really stuck with me, listening and guiding me through my frustration, and giving me solid Biblical advice.  "Well, what's on your mind?" He asked.  "I feel like nothing exciting has really happened since I cam back," I said, "Sac is so boring (More on this in a later post).  I know God wants me to be here, but why?  Life is so monotonous."  "Well," he began, "you are in leadership for college ministry right?  You are impacting their lives.  That should be exciting."

I began to reflect upon the college ministry the past couple of years.  When I first came back, the leadership was non-existent and not very many people showed up.  At the time, I felt a big urge to help out and serve, but I knew I did not have a big young adult community to fuel me up while doing this ministry.  It would be very hard to go through an already rough transition and serve in a ministry.  So, I decided to look for other fellowships in hope of finding a community that was much needed for me.  But as more and more doors closed for fellowships, I realized God had given me the passion to serve at my home church.  As a result, I bit the bullet and started serving in the college ministry even though I felt like I was about to cross a vast desert with only half a bottle of water.  I remember struggling to keep my faith healthy while trying to help other people's faith.



Regardless how I felt, God began to work immediately with the college group when I decided to start serving.  Within six months, the numbers jumped from six people to ten people.  A fellowship leader was nominated and Bible studies became more structured.  In a year's time, God had done amazing things with the college fellowship.  He had relit the fire within the group, increased the attendance, and brought in a new student leadership.  Once I missed a meeting and asked a leader, "How many people showed up?" and he answered, "Not very many...about 12."  It really showed how much God had grown the group.  In addition, I thought I would burn out helping the college ministry, but God provided relief and rest from my home church's post college fellowship and a discipler who had agreed to help me through the year.

I began to realize my life was a lot fuller than I thought it was.  "Wow, I never realized how much God had done!"  I said.  It had been pretty exciting.  I never realized there was much change in the people around me.    "It is very amazing when we do think back on what God had done in our lives," my discipler replied.

As we closed in prayer, I began to realize what I want clouded over the great things that has been happening over the past two years.  I wanted to stay in the Bay; I wanted to be part of a big young adult community; I wanted everything to just work out.  But I missed all the great things that God did do; providing development in the college ministry; providing the leaders with ideas and consolidated them into reality; and even during the times that I felt like I was getting burned out and that I need community, God provided me rest and support through the post college fellowship and my discipler.  God had everything in control all along.  See, I might have been crossing a vast desert with only half a bottle of water, chasing after the mirage of a big giant lake.  But all along God had lead me to many different small oasis, providing me just enough to continue and get across that desert.  

New Member (part i): The Catten?

For some of you who know me, I am a big dog person.  There's something about their energy, their intelligence, their great desire to please you and wanting to be your friend just makes me love dogs.  Cats on the other hand...not the biggest fan.  Now, before all you cat lovers begin to stone me, I have my reasons...I actually got scratched by one when I was little and forever scarred me from cats...until now.  

Today, I went out on a small solitary walk along the canal by my house.  It's my usual route I take to just cool down, reflect, enjoy nature, etc. without actually wasting gas and drive out somewhere.  I see a lot of animals on this trail...beavers, birds of many kind, dogs, cats, toads, bullfrogs, etc.  well...today, I saw a cat/kitten (looked small but it looks mature enough to be a cat...so....catten?).  Ive seen many cats/kittens but this is the first one that has ever approached me.  Cats are usually frightened by my presence.  So this was really sweet.  I began to pet it and stroke it's soft fur, pulling out the thorn thistles that was caught in it, and even picked her up to hold her.  It was very tame and cute (did I just typed that word on a public blog? O.O).    Well...when I had her on my lap, a cyclist zipped by and startled her.  She engaged ALL of her 18 razor sharp claws in my leg.  *OUCH* Luckily she didnt draw blood, but it didnt matter...my heart melted for this catten and really just tore down what I thought of cats.  If she wasn't cute enough (A lot of manliness to reclaim after this post) she began to follow me on my way home!  I was so tempted to take her home with me...even after experiencing her sharp claws.  Then reality hit me...she probably has a home already...that might be the reason why shes so well socialized, and also Im thinking about having a new member in my house some time soon.  As a result, I sped up my pace and left her behind...looking back periodically to ensure she was ok and no longer behind me.  So yea...I guess cats aren't as bad as I thought...I guess it depends on the cat.  But I still think dogs are cooler.  :P  But...hmm...I have a lot to think about in the upcoming months. :)

*Excuse me while I go try to reestablish my manliness.*

Transitions (part ii): The Cross in the Sky

Before I continue with the story, I want to let you know that names have been changed to protect the identity of the people and also the places I am talking about...And now...back to our featured presentation.  :)

2. The Cross in the Sky
"Why did God bring me back of Sac?" I wondered to myself.  The red stoplight glowed in front of me as I came to a stop.  It was another deep thought while driving moment.  "Its been a few months since I bumped into that pastor in the deli.  During that time, I have accepted that my life is going to be in Sacramento, for now.  My depression has gotten better.  I have a pretty good job, I feel more at peace...but why did God bring me back here in the first place," I thought to myself.  *HOOONK* "Oh! The light is green," as I drove off the line to relieve the frustrated drivers behind me.

I pulled into the parking lot and head towards the supermarket.  Just then, I heard some thumping coming out of a black souped up rice rocket coming down the lot...and the driver...he looked...familiar.  Suddenly, a sense of rage and anger boiled through my bones.  Jimmy Wong, still dress like a thug even five years after high school.  Made no sense to me why anyone wanted to be like a thug when they live in the most sheltered part of town.  Once back in high school, Jimmy pushed me into the wall intentionally during passing period.  A series of insults broke out between us and a fight almost followed.  The only thing that prevented it was I, being a goody two shoes, was never late for class and I did not want an idiot like him to ruin my spotless record.  "Maybe I should have took a swing at that thug wannabe...see how tough he really thinks he is," I thought to myself.

For the rest of the day, my entire past all became clear as day.  All the rumors, humiliation, marginalization and loneliness came back to me.   Weirdly, every single one of these events happened at Havenfield, the neighborhood that I grew up in.  I did not have this problem with places or people outside of Havenfield: middle school, Davis basketball camp, and college. I began to realize, I was misjudging Sacramento for the horrible experiences in Havenfield.

That night, the raw emotions came back to me.  I did not know how to deal with it.  A lot of the past hurts I have been running away from was never properly healed and dealt with.  I walked outside again to the driveway to really focus my mind again on God, but during my prayer, I began to rant about all the things I had to bear.

I had a strong desire to fit in with everyone else.  But I was never seen as part of any crowd.  I was teased, bullied and left out.  Many rumors started about me, and insults never seemed to end.  I never knew what made people treat me that way.  I still tried to fit in with everyone else which lead me to materialism, using "colorful" language and arrogance.  I had a double life where in front of my peers, I tried to act hard, but in front of my parents, teachers and family friends, I was the sweetest child.  I did things I was not proud of just for the sake of fitting in.   The thought of the past made me even more angry.  "Why didn't you stand up for your self?!" I scolded myself.

Just then, a happier thought came to mind.  I began to recall that by God's grace, He lead me to church in the midst of my social fallout and showed me that He cares about me even when no one else did.  By God's grace, my sophomore year in high school became the biggest turn around in my life; I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I began to attend a local church and turned from being a marginalized person to a person where God put people in my life who cared about me.  More importantly, He showed me the God of this universe cared about me.

"You were and still are messed up and God forgave you and has given you new life...but what about the people who wronged you?  They messed up...can you forgive them, just like I forgave you?" God said to me.  I went into deep thought.  Ever fiber of my being wanted justice and revenge.  "I don't know...I just don't know.  It's too painful."

I looked up into the sky and stared up at the stars.  At that moment, I made out the shape of a cross (apparently its part of constellation, Cygnus).


The more I look at it, the more I began to reflect on what Jesus had done to bear the greatest transgression of all...sin.  On the cosmic, Spiritual and physical level, sin screwed everything up, but God loved man so much he sent His one and only Son to die on the Cross, just to save us from the rightful punishment of eternal death.  He forgave us for what hurt and wrong we have done to Him.  As I reflected on the Cross day after day, I realized the wrong that others done to me is nothing compared to the sins that I have committed that hurt the creator of this universe.  Although I will always remember the hurt, the pain and the humiliation, forgiveness comes with a decision to give it up to God, to no longer hold the wrongs against my perpetrators.

I looked up at the Cross in the sky one more time and started praying.  "It's been years since all this happened, God.  I want this burden to now be at your feet.  I have done so much greater wrongs to you than what they have done to me.  Help me forgive them as you have forgiven me."

Transitions (part i): One Way Street

Intro

The other day, I thought about how what has changed in my life in the past three years.  I can truly say God has really brought me to a place of peace, forgiveness and appreciation after a hard transition from college.  I know today, many people I know are in transition: looking for a new job, first year in the real world, finding one's passion/career/joy, etc.  Although I still have many things going on in my life and the story continues, my transition out of college was extremely difficult but perhaps one of the most amazing experiences in my life.  I hope my story will encourage whoever is in their transition phases of life.  

1. One Way Street

As I began to look through all the jobs and graduate school emails, a sinking feeling began to come to me.  Of all the jobs and graduate schools I have applied for, only two Sacramento firms and Sacramento State University returned an acceptance letter.  "I cant believe this is happening," I thought to myself, "I don't want to go back!  Maybe God made a mistake; He can't expect me to relive all the things I went through in that place."   In my past four years in college, I have done as much as I can to bury my past and move on.  Moving back would mean I have to unearth back up all the bad memories that outweighed the good, the 12 years of rumors, condescending remarks and  marginalization by my peers, and the loneliness I had to bare.  Needless to say, many moments in Sacramento felt like a living hell.  The only fresh air is my supportive and loving family, and home church that I came to know Christ at.    

"God, please open another door...I don't want to go back!" I begged.  Each day, I frantically scrolled through my emails hoping that a firm outside of Sac would send me an offer letter, but no such luck.  As graduation got closer, I became more and more depressed, fearing what I have to face.  

*   *   *

The moment I walked into the front door, my depression worsened.  "I'm home," I thought to myself with a painful sigh.  As I began to unpack, random experiences about the fun and excitement of college came to my mind and began to fade into a distant memory.  Then the Sac bred painful memories took over. As I began to think about these things, I can feel a tear try to escape the grip of my eyelids.  Just then, my parents walked by my room.  Seeing my anguish, they came in to check up on me and gave me a hug, as the first tear slipped through my eyelash and many more to follow. 

That night, I walked outside and lied down on the driveway and stared at the stars.  "God, why are you doing this to me?  Get me out of here!"  I tried to calm my heart and seek peace in His presence.  I tried to recall Philippians 4:4-7 and recited it, but my emotions seem to overpower the little peace that it tried to provide me.  Part of me was angry at God for bringing me back to Sacramento. 

Night after night, I went outside to seek peace and pleading with God that He would change His mind about me staying in Sacramento.  Months passed but nothing changed and my depression got worse.  One night, it then occurred to me, God has spoken, He is not going to provide me another opportunity elsewhere.  From here on out, it's a one way street.  I looked up into the sky again and began to pray, "God, looks like this is a one way street.  Ive been praying for change for a while now and it looks like it's not happening, at least help me find peace," I negotiated.  

That Saturday, as the first light seeped through the blinds, I woke up feel restless.  I wanted to go somewhere, but I had no options.  It was wet and rainy outside, but I had the urge to be adventurous.  I hopped in my car and began to drive.  As I sped down the freeway, random thoughts began to go through my mind.  There was a mixture of nostalgia, anger and sadness.  After about half an hour later, I got hungry and stopped at a nearby deli to get lunch.  The line was very long, but I was too deep in thought to care. 

As I got my sandwich, I looked around the restaurant for a place to sit.  After making two rounds through the packed restaurant, I realized all the tables were taken.  I made my way to the lounge area and finally found a seat at one of the big cushion chairs.  I set my sandwich down at the coffee table, sat down and prayed for the food and got ready to dig in. 

"Nice sweatshirt," the man a chair over commented on my Intervarsity Christian Fellowship sweatshirt.  "Thank you.  Were you in Intervarsity?" I said trying to create a conversation.  "No, but I am a pastor to a church around here. Are you a student?" he asked.  "No I graduated from Cal this past May.  Im working at a small engineering firm in Sacramento now," I replied.  

"Congratulations.  How do you like the real world?"  I didn't know how to answer this, on one hand, I wanted to hide all my problems, but on the other hand I desperately needed help.  "It's...a rough transition," I replied.  At that moment, the pastor began to ask me questions and really helped me process the chain of events.  "I know this sounds cliche, but God is with you.  He has put you through this hard time for a reason.  Heres my card, email me if you need anything," he said.  A sense of relief and peace came over me.  We shook hands and went our separate ways.

On my way home, I began to think about all that has happened.  I realized God had answered a couple of prayers: No, I am not moving out of Sac (yet?), but yes, God can provide me peace.  He is with me, and is asking me to trust Him.  Even though I am going down a one way street, I can still pull over to ask Him for directions, for He knows where I'm suppose to go.

Samsung copied Apple? hmm...I guess Mercedes copied BMW too then...

Recently Apple began to sue Samsung (again) for the Galaxy SIII and the Galaxy Note.  These devices look nothing like the iPhone.  I am so sick of these lawsuits.  Sure, people can accuse me of being a fAndroid, but honestly speaking, I'm not as against Apple products as many people think I am.  I believe that power goes to the consumer in deciding what device to buy and own.  Hence certain idea borrowing is healthy for the sake of competition.  So if you want an iPhone and you think its better than an Android (or vice versa), more power to you.  

Now, I believe that Apple's lawsuits are stemmed from anti-competition beliefs and want monpoly in the smartphone bsuiness.  I dont think any of the Apple patent lawsuits in court right now make any sense and that all, if not most, should be thrown out and patent laws should be changed.  (If more people want more on this, let me know, I can write more later.)  I know it's not the perfect example, but since I love cars, I think this will get to my point on why I think all these Apple patent lawsuit claims are ridiculous and why they should stop.  Can you imagine if BMW began to sue Mercedes for these things (or vice versa)?  

Mercedes Benz Copies BMW

1. BMW was the first to put the navigation screen above the air vents at "eye-level" in 2002.  Mercedes saw the idea and started their development on the technology and released it starting in their 2007 model.  Also, BMW had the iDrive first.  COMAND in Mercedes copied the rotating wheel and a top down list menus in the system interface.  

2. BMW stategically placed their horns buttonless and on the sides of the steering wheel.  Mercedes did the same exact thing.

3. Round steering wheel...completely identical...

4. BMW was the first to develop leather seats.  Mercedes copied BMW...event the pattern of the leather stitching as identical....is there anything that they dont copy?!

5. BMW put wood trip across the entire middle part of dash in 2002, Mercedes copied the idea in 2007.

6. BMW thought very carefully on making the driver experience the center of their vehicles...so they made vents in the center, below the screen in 2002.  Mercedes used to have the vents above the screen, making the driver experience absolutely horrible, so on 2007 remodel, they copied BMW.

1. Sporty curved roof lines are part of BMW racing heritage.  Mercedes just copied that.
2. 4 wheels with rear wheel drive.  BMW has had that pedigree through their long racing heritage.  Mercedes stole that idea.
3. In 1994, BMW started using a keyless entry system.  Mercedes saw the success of that and implemented it in 1995.
4. Window divider so window can go all the way down in passenger seat.  It goes down vertically in the Merc, just like the one on the BMW.
5. Chrome trim...completely identical.
7. Sharkfin antenna on the room was first put on the BMW 7 series in 2001.  Mercedes ended up copying that idea
8. Having a trunk in the back.  BMW idea...Mercedes copied.
9. Gas fill tank on the right side of car...Mercedes copied that too.
10. BMW premier their V12 engine for the 7 series in 1987.  Seeing BMW doing this, Mercedes copied that idea and developed a V12 engine released on their flagship S class in 1991.